


toothbrush to the bicycle tire

by shahha



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-10-02 19:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10225100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shahha/pseuds/shahha
Summary: Ashlyn Harris is a world renowned sports photographer who experiences her travels to the fullest, even if it means getting in a little trouble along the way. Ali Krieger is a soccer star whose life revolves around her sport. Their lifestyles couldn’t be more different but for some reason they just can’t quit each other.





	1. Chapter 1

 

**I. cleaner life**

 

If there’s one thing Ali Krieger knows about Ashlyn Harris it’s that she’s completely unpredictable. In the months since they first met when Ashlyn photographed the She Believes Cup, unpredictability has been the pervasive theme of their relationship.

 

Ashlyn is a sports photographer whose primary love is soccer. A former college goalkeeper, she stays connected to the game through photography after a string of injuries ended her career before it could even begin. She travels the world to capture images of the sport she loves so much. If she can’t play anymore, the least she can do is show the world just how beautiful the beautiful game is.

 

Ali first met Ashlyn when the national team’s usual photographer came down with pneumonia and had to miss the She Believes Cup, a new tournament hosted by the United States. Ashlyn didn’t have any bookings the week of the tournament so she gladly filled in as the tournament photographer.

 

Their first encounters were pretty standard. Ali, like the rest of her teammates, was so focused on the tournament that she didn't really give Ashlyn a second thought. She's gorgeous, that much was obvious, and Ali didn't mind having the cute photographer (who seemed to aim her camera at her more than anyone else) around.

 

Ashlyn was professional while the tournament was going on but once the trophy was placed in the Americans’ hands and the confetti had fallen, all bets were off and she made her way to the brunette who had quickly become her favorite subject.

 

Charming in all the right ways, Ashlyn invited Ali out for drinks after the game. A few drinks turned into many and before Ali knew it, she was flat on her back on a hotel mattress with Ashlyn’s head buried between her thighs.

 

They’ve kept in contact in the months since that night, becoming more of friends with benefits than simply a one night stand. It was Ashlyn who brought up sexting and video chat sex first and although Ali was a bit nervous about it, she quickly learned to enjoy it. Unlike Ashlyn, who seems to go out nearly every night in a different city, Ali doesn’t get out much. With the Olympics coming up, she is focused on one thing and one thing only. Sexting and FaceTime sex are the perfect low commitment fun for Ali in the leadup to one of the biggest tournaments of her life.

 

Although both of their careers are centered around soccer, their lives couldn’t be more different. Where Ashlyn’s life is unstructured, spontaneous, and more than a little messy, Ali’s life is regimented, grueling, and clean. They both live by the rule to work hard and play harder but their definitions of play couldn’t be any more different. Ali leaves it all on the field and Ashlyn leaves it all out on the dance floor.

 

No one else really understands the relationship Ali has with Ashlyn and sometimes Ali isn’t sure she understands it herself.

 

Some days, it feels almost as if they’re in a long distance relationship. On those days, Ashlyn is attentive and caring and asks Ali how training was and how she feels going into the weekend’s Spirit game.

 

Sometimes, Ashlyn seems to be everything Ali wants in a partner. Ashlyn is great in bed (which is always a plus) and when she’s attentive, she’s one of the most caring, gentle people Ali has ever known. Although they're very different, they have incredible chemistry and a comfortability to their relationship. Sometimes, Ali can see herself having it all with Ashlyn.

 

Other days, Ali feels like she doesn’t exist in Ashlyn’s life. On those days, she waits for a photo of Ashlyn and a random gorgeous woman to appear on Ashlyn’s private instagram account. As much as it frustrates Ali to go without hearing from Ashlyn for days on end, she knows that Ashlyn doesn’t really owe her anything. They’re long distance friends with benefits so if Ashlyn wants to sleep with someone she can actually touch, she is more than free to do so.

 

Even on the worst days, Ali can’t seem to walk away.

 

* * *

 

**II. tread all over me**

 

The Olympic loss hurts.

 

It’s hard for Ali to watch from the sidelines. She wishes she were playing and she wonders how things might have been if she had been on the pitch with her team. Ashlyn is photographing the game and although Ali can see that she too feels the sting of the loss, Ashlyn dutifully keeps her camera trained on the sights in front of her, capturing the moment just as she’s supposed to.

 

This was, in all likelihood, Ali’s one and only chance for an Olympic gold medal (hell, now she’d even take silver or bronze over this kind of defeat) and the loss hurts more than she could put into words. She feels the pain in her bones as if she’s just played a hard fought 120 minutes rather than watching from the sidelines.

 

The bus ride back to the hotel is silent, the heaviness of the loss hanging over the usually lively group of players. It's unusual for Ali to put headphones on after games when she could instead be chatting with the teammates that have become some of her closest friends, her family. This time, however, she keeps her headphones on and watches out her window as she tries her hardest not to cry.

 

When they arrive back at the hotel, her roommate, Crystal, takes off almost immediately to let off steam with some of the other players. Crystal extends an invite to Ali but all Ali really wants to do is cry herself to sleep.

 

Once alone, Ali realizes that maybe she does want some company so she texts Ashlyn to ask if she can come down to her room. Now that the tournament is over, Ali is no longer obligated to stay in her assigned room or abide by curfew and she figures that if nothing else, Ashlyn’s presence can be the distraction she needs.

 

Ashlyn’s read receipts are turned on so when Ali sees that Ashlyn read her text, she expects a response within seconds. The response never comes, though, and Ali anxiously checks her phone every few minutes to see if there’s a response.

 

“Honestly, Ashlyn, what the fuck,” Ali mutters when thirty minutes pass without a reply.

 

After an hour, Ali slips on her shoes and makes her way down the hall to Ashlyn’s room. There’s no noise inside, no sign that Ashlyn is there, so it’s not surprising that there is no answer when Ali knocks. She trudges back to her own room alone, feeling defeated in a whole new way.

 

She’s frustrated and emotional so without a second thought, she picks up her phone and opens her text thread with Ashlyn. Her fingers glide over the screen so quickly that she doesn’t give herself a moment to second guess the text she’s about to send.

 

_So you just gonna leave me on read all night?_

 

_Sorry. At the bar_

 

And that’s it. No further explanation. Worst of all, Ashlyn doesn’t even bother asking Ali how she’s doing. In fact, they haven’t spoken at all since warm ups earlier in the day when Ashlyn had teasingly aimed her camera at Ali’s ass as she bent down to adjust her shin guards. Even immediately following the game, Ashlyn didn’t say so much as a word to Ali.

 

After an hour, Ali feels yet another rush of impulsiveness and picks up her phone one more time.

 

_Glad at least one of us is having a good time tonight._

 

Satisfied that she got her point across, Ali turns her phone off and pulls the hotel comforter up to her chin. After such an emotionally taxing day, sleep comes easily. So easily, in fact, that she never hears Crystal get back and only wakes in the morning when the sun starts shining through the window.

 

After a nice, refreshing shower, Ali reluctantly turns her phone back on. She responds to her family and friends back home and assures them that she’s fine and that she just turned her phone off for the night to process the loss. There is still no response to her last text to Ashlyn (not that she ever expected one). There is, however, an email about the team’s flight back home, should players want to head home instead of staying in Brazil for the remainder of the Olympic Games. Ali can’t wait to get back home so she mentally calculates how long she’ll need to get everything ready to leave. With a schedule in mind, she heads downstairs to get some coffee.

 

“Of course,” Ali mutters when she sees Ashlyn pouring herself a cup of coffee. She briefly considers going back up to her room so she doesn’t have to talk to Ashlyn but Ashlyn sees her and gives her a cautious grin, as if she’s not sure how chipper she should look. Ali shoots her a sharp, annoyed look and Ashlyn’s face falls instantly.

 

Ali fixes her coffee silently as Ashlyn hovers nearby holding her own cup of coffee. The silence is deafening and Ashlyn can’t let the other woman walk away without saying something. “Ali--” she tries.

 

“No, don’t,” Ali snaps. She turns on her heel, fully intent on enjoying her coffee in her room with only a sleeping Crystal as company. The last person she wants to deal with right now is Ashlyn.

 

“Are you seriously that mad at me?” Ashlyn questions as she follows closely behind the other woman. “I was already out, I didn’t have much time to talk.”

 

Ali quickens her pace but Ashlyn keeps up step for step and Ali resigns herself that they’re going to have this conversation. She goes silent as they wait for the elevator but once inside and away from anyone that might hear, Ali finally speaks again. “I needed someone last night, Ashlyn,” she says.

 

“I already had plans, Ali, I couldn’t help that.”

 

“Oh, yeah, you had plans all right. Plans to party with some beach volleyball player, huh? Really pressing stuff there when a friend needed you.”

 

Ashlyn sighs in frustration. Ali is as stubborn as ever, as if she’s being fueled by the anger and frustrations of the loss. “I understand that you needed someone,” Ashlyn begins. “But I was busy and you could have turned to so many other people. I would have been there for you if I hadn’t already made plans but did it really have to be me that you talked to?”

 

“I wanted it to be you,” Ali retorts. She blinks back tears at Ashlyn's words and tries in vain to compose herself before Ashlyn notices. “You know how badly I wanted to win,” she says quietly. “You had to have known that I would need someone. Okay, fine, you already had plans but I really, really needed to talk to you so I could process the loss and you just ignored me.”

 

“I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose.”

 

Ali rolls her eyes.

 

The elevator finally stops at the team and staff floor so they step out and stand in the small area in front of the elevator bay.

 

“I’m not saying you had to cancel your plans but if the roles had been reversed, I would have made sure to at least check on you to make sure you were okay after missing out on your dream like that. That’s all.” She ponders her next words as she slowly sips her coffee. The coffee is decent but mostly she’s just happy to have something else to focus on for a moment. “Look, Ashlyn, I really like you but this whole friends with benefits thing doesn’t work if the other person isn’t a very good friend.” She looks around, ensuring that there’s no one around to hear. “I have fun with you so if you just want to be a booty call I’d be okay with that but I’m not going to let you walk all over me. We could have something really cool here but it’s not going to work if you only put effort into being my friend when you don’t have anything better to do. That’s not how friendship works. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for my flight home.”

 

She leaves Ashlyn standing in front of the elevators and doesn’t look back once. She knows Ashlyn is probably staying for the remainder of the Olympics to cover other events now that she’s not bound to photographing the national team and she hopes that between the celebrating and partying that Ashlyn actually takes the time to consider the conversation they just had.

 

* * *

 

  **III. chasing**

 

Once in Miami for some much needed alone time with her mom, Ali turns her phone off once again. She spends several days lying out on the beach with her mom next to her. They discuss the Olympics a little but mostly, they talk about anything but. Although the loss still hurts, Ali misses her sport too much so after a few days, she turns her phone back on and places a call to her coach about meeting with the team in Houston to get back as quickly as possible. Jim is receptive to the idea of having his star captain back so quickly and Ali appreciates that she has the league to focus on after the Olympics.

 

As soon as she ends the call with Jim, her phone starts chiming with all sorts of notifications. Most notably, about twenty texts from Ashlyn, the first few of which ask if they can talk and the most recent of which ask if she’s okay, that she’s worried after not hearing from the brunette for a few days.

 

Ali knows it’s petty but instead of replying, she turns to instagram. She selects a photo of her sitting on the beach that her mom took earlier that morning and her lips curl up into a smile as she comes up with the perfect caption.

 

_feeling very salty right now._

 

Ashlyn’s text comes through in under a minute and if Ali weren’t still annoyed, she would be impressed by the reaction time. If only Ashlyn had reacted that quickly in Brazil.

 

_So your phone does work?_

 

_I could say the same to you._

 

_Please, Ali, can we talk?_

 

_We’ll talk when I’m ready._

 

Ali leaves it at that and Ashlyn doesn’t press the issue. Right now, the only thing Ali wants to focus on is getting back to her club team and returning to winning ways. She knows her caption wasn't subtle at all but she also knows that the only one who will truly know what it refers to is Ashlyn which is just what she intended. She needs Ashlyn to know that she screwed up and it's going to take more than an apology over text to fix it.

 

The Spirit win their game against the Dash so Ali goes into the next game in Orlando feeling confident and very much back in her usual groove. She's proud of this team and she knows that they are on the right track as the season winds down and they head towards postseason.

 

The teams have just started warmups in the stadium when Ali spots a familiar blonde with a camera. It's been over a week since they last spoke, though Ashlyn has been texting Ali every so often to see if she's ready to talk yet. The week of silence culminated in a flower delivery to Ali’s apartment the day before the team left for Orlando. Ali knew immediately who they were from and when she looked at the card, her suspicions were confirmed.

 

_Good luck this weekend but not too much luck since Orlando is my hometown team ;) love, Ash._

 

Love.

 

The word stuck out in Ali’s mind. It was a simple sign-off but one that spoke volumes. She knows that Ashlyn doesn’t love her like _that_ but it hinted that maybe Ashlyn is starting to value her as a friend more than she ever has. Or, maybe, it was simple ass kissing. Either way, it was a sign that Ashlyn is trying which is all Ali ever wanted.

 

There’s no chance to talk to Ashlyn until the game is over. Although it’s an away game, Ali stays and signs autographs for waiting fans while Ashlyn makes her rounds and photographs excited fans meeting their favorite players. Ashlyn makes her way into the tunnel first and when Ali is done signing, Ashlyn is there waiting for her.

 

“So what are you doing here?” Ali asks. She crosses her arm, willing herself not to cave at how hard Ashlyn has been trying.

 

“I live here,” Ashlyn replies, shrugging.

 

“I know that but what are you doing here at the game? I didn’t know you were supposed to be here.”

 

“Oh, I wasn’t,” Ashlyn admits. “I wanted to see you so I asked for a photography pass. I figured it would be harder for you to ignore me in person. I got some really cool shots of you tonight.” She pauses as she meets Ali’s eyes. “Did you get my flowers?”

 

Ashlyn leans against the wall with her hands in her pockets and damn if Ali doesn’t feel herself melting on the spot. It takes everything in her to not look Ashlyn up and down, to take the time to fully appreciate the way her purple Orlando polo clings to her biceps. She knows Ashlyn would pick up on it and she doesn't want to give her that satisfaction just yet.

 

“I did. Really, Ashlyn, purple flowers?” Ali laughs.

 

“Spirit colors are red and blue. Red and blue make purple,” Ashlyn replies, feigning innocence.

 

Ali laughs as she rolls her eyes. “And here I thought you were taunting me with Pride purple.”

 

“You know what, I didn’t even think about that,” Ashlyn jokes.

 

“And the light blue ribbon around them was coincidental?”

 

“Hey, I can’t help it if the colors look good together.” Suddenly, she turns serious. “Can we talk? You can come back to the house if you want.”

 

Ali ponders this offer. Despite her lingering annoyance that Ashlyn wasn’t there for her after one of the worst defeats of her life, she has to admit that she has been trying which is exactly what she was asking for. She’s still not willing to fully forgive but she is willing to talk.

 

“Sure, yeah, just let me shower and get my stuff ready, okay? I’ll tell the team I’m not going back on the bus and get a cab or something.”

 

“No need, I’ll wait for you,” Ashlyn promises.

 

Ali takes her time showering and getting dressed in an effort to relax after a long game and to mentally prepare herself for the night. When she finishes, Ashlyn is right there waiting outside of the away team’s locker room.

 

The ride to Ashlyn’s is mostly silent other than Ashlyn pointing out favorite coffee spots and hangouts as they pass by. Ali has been to Ashlyn’s house before on a day off during a national team camp in the area so some of the sights are familiar though she still doesn’t know the city very well.

 

When they arrive at Ashlyn’s house, Ashlyn jumps out of the car and grabs Ali’s bags from the trunk before Ali can get to them and carries them inside for the brunette who smiles at the gesture.

 

“Wine?” Ashlyn offers as she sets Ali’s stuff down inside the door.

 

“Do you even have to ask that question?”

 

Ashlyn laughs as she leads the way into the kitchen where she opens a brand new bottle of red wine. All it takes is one look at the label for Ali to realize that Ashlyn had purchased her favorite wine and it impresses her that Ashlyn remembered that little detail about her. The one and only time Ali mentioned her favorite wine was four months ago so Ashlyn remembering that says a lot. “So you knew your plan was going to work?” Ali asks, pointing to the label.

 

Ashlyn shrugs. “I hoped it would and I wanted to be prepared if it did.” She pours two large glasses of wine and carries them into the living room, where she sets them on the coffee table before getting comfortable on the couch with Ali next to her. After a few sips in silence, Ashlyn turns to face Ali better. “Ali, I’m really, really sorry. There’s no excuse. I played too, you know, and I remember just how tough even the smallest losses can be so I can’t even imagine how much that one hurt. I wasn’t there for you and I should have been and I’m very sorry about that.”

 

Ali nods. She doesn’t assure Ashlyn that it’s okay because although she appreciates the apology, Ashlyn’s actions were not okay. This is a step but Ashlyn still needs to work her way back into her good graces.

 

“I’m trying to make it up to you,” Ashlyn continues, as if she read Ali’s mind. “And if that means taking extra jobs wherever you’re playing that week and chasing you down then I’m willing to do that until you let me back in. I know it might not seem like it at times but I do value your friendship a great deal.”

 

“You’re not just saying that to get me back in bed?” Ali questions.

 

“Ali, come on, you know me better than that.”

 

“Do I though?” Ali questions. “You want me to let you back in and yet you’ve hardly let me in at all. Even before the Olympics, it seemed like everything was so one sided. Sometimes it seems like the only things you care about are sex and partying and I care about more than that.”

 

“I care about more than that too,” Ashlyn protests. “I care about you,” she adds after a beat.

 

“Then you need to prove it.”

 

Ashlyn nods at Ali’s words. “I will.”

 

* * *

 

  **IV. cycle**

  

Love ‘em and leave ‘em is all Ashlyn has ever really known. It’s something she always saw in her father who never seemed to date the same woman for more than six months before breaking things off for one reason or another. Ashlyn’s not sure if she could even count how many of her father’s girlfriends she met and got emotionally attached to before never seeing the woman again.

 

As a child, Ashlyn always swore she’d never be like her father. She would love one person and one person only. She would build a family and would ensure that her kids had the stability that she never had. Her children would know that their parents loved one another and wouldn’t have to worry about different parental figures swooping in and out of their lives during their most formative years.

 

That mentality changed during college when Ashlyn had her heart shattered for the first time.

 

She started dating this girl during her sophomore year and fell head over heels in love almost immediately. She thought that this woman was the love of her life and the one that she would come home to every night for the rest of her life. Then, without any warning, her girlfriend transferred schools at the end of the year and cut off all contact. Ashlyn never heard another word from her.

 

Ashlyn swore off love.

 

She’s not sure what she did to push her ex away like that but for someone to leave without warning or explanation, she figured she must be wholly unloveable and carry too much baggage for one person to stick around.

 

She never wanted to be like her father and now, suddenly, she was worse (although she’d never admit it). She hasn’t dated anyone since then and has stuck to casual hookups to avoid putting her heart on the line again. She travels for her career a lot which aids her efforts to never go on too many dates with the same woman.

 

There’s something different about Ali.

 

There’s always been something different about Ali.

 

They’re not dating but sometimes Ashlyn finds herself wishing they were. Those are the days that scare her the most and she usually drowns out those thoughts with alcohol and loud music at whatever club she can find. She usually picks up a woman on those days and although she often feels guilty the next morning, she never changes her behavior. When she feels she’s getting in too deep with Ali, she blocks out all thoughts of the beautiful, captivating brunette.

 

After the loss at the Olympics, all she really wanted to do was wrap Ali in her arms and tell her everything would be okay. Her first instinct after the win was awarded to Sweden was to skip out on her other plans and try to put some light back into those beautiful brown eyes.

 

But on the way back to the hotel, that gnawing fear in the back of her mind returned in full force. It told her that she’s too much to handle, that Ali would end up leaving eventually and that it was in her best interest to protect her heart. It’s how she’s always been so why change her ways when she’s certain she will only end up heart broken again? If she keeps Ali at an arm’s length, she can still have her fun without the risk.

 

At least, that’s what she thought.

 

As Ali’s angry texts come in, it becomes apparent that she messed up big time.

 

Now, Ashlyn has a choice.

 

She can continue with her old ways and lose out on a potentially great friendship or she can be the friend Ali needs and deserves.

 

It doesn’t take much thinking for Ashlyn to choose the latter.

 

She’s still not sure where she wants things to go but she knows that she’s not interested in pushing Ali away. If nothing else, she knows she can be a good friend and she is determined to prove herself.

 

When Ali heads back to the U.S., Ashlyn is pretty aware that she probably turned her phone off to decompress a little. Nevertheless, she continues to text Ali every so often to show that she’s not just walking away. When Ali posts on instagram (which Ashlyn sees instantly because she turned on notifications for all of Ali’s social media), she knows that the caption is directed at her. Instead of recoiling at the words like she usually might, she presses ahead and texts Ali again.

 

This time, Ali responds and the promise that they’ll talk is all Ashlyn can hope for at the moment.

 

She knows that the Spirit have an upcoming game in Orlando so before she even leaves Rio, she gets in contact with the Pride about shooting the game. She knows Ali said they’ll talk when she’s ready but Ashlyn figures it can’t help to push her a little.

 

When they see each other, Ali is still mad, that much is clear, but they hear each other out and Ashlyn will take whatever progress she can get.

 

She promises to be better, her words as much for herself as they are for Ali.

 

When she takes Ali to bed that night, she is more gentle than she has ever been. Usually concerned with her own pleasure as much as her sexual partner’s, this time she focuses solely on Ali. Her attentiveness pays off because after she treats Ali to three consecutive orgasms, Ali repays the favor with as much fire and passion as she had on the pitch.

 

They get dressed after but Ali does end up staying the night which is surprisingly comfortable for Ashlyn who usually excuses herself after she’s gotten her fix.

 

Ashlyn wakes up early the next morning to send Ali off with coffee and a breakfast of eggs and bacon. When Ali comes into the kitchen, clad in her borrowed sweatpants and t shirt and her dark hair in a sloppy bun, Ashlyn’s heart flutters in a way she hasn’t felt since college. Usually when a woman stays the night, Ashlyn counts the minutes until she leaves. With Ali, she dreads the moment when they have to part.

 

Without thinking, Ashlyn gently places her hands on Ali’s hips and kisses her softly.

 

“Morning,” Ali says, trying to cover up how surprised she is by the good morning kiss. It’s a simple good morning kiss but it feels like the most intimate thing they’ve ever done. She knows Ashlyn promised to be a better friend but with breakfast and coffee on the table and a greeting in the form of a kiss, this feels downright domestic. She doesn’t hate it.

 

Even Ashlyn is surprised by her own actions but decides to roll with it. She hasn’t cared this much about a romantic interest since she was 20 and she has to admit, she enjoys feeling butterflies again. They settle at the table right by the large windows and sip their coffee together, a comfortable silence between them. The early morning sunlight streams in through the window in just the right way that casts a glow over Ali and makes her look like she’s just descended from heaven rather than shuffle her way down the hall from Ashlyn’s bedroom. “Did you sleep well?” Ashlyn asks.

 

Ali nods. “Your bed is ridiculously comfortable. I should stay over more often,” she says with a wink.

 

“You’re welcome to stay anytime you want.”

 

“I think I’ll probably take you up on that offer a few times over this next offseason.”

 

The thought of getting to spend more time with Ali makes Ashlyn smile. She wants to know Ali better and she wants to make sure Ali also gets to know the real her, the softer side she’s kept inside for so long. She is determined to break her and her family’s vicious cycle and she knows that seeing Ali more often can only help. “When do you have to leave?”

 

“Our flight is at one,” Ali replies.

 

Ashlyn nods as she calculates just how long they have left together before Ali flies back to D.C. with her team.

 

“So what do you have coming up?” Ali questions as they eat their breakfast.

 

“I’ll be in London next weekend to shoot some Premier League action. I’ll be there for about ten days and then I’m flying back here to get ready for Costa Rica. You’ve met Brianna Cope, right? She’s surfing in a competition there and invited me to take photos and surf. I think Kelley is coming too so that should be a good time.”

 

“Yeah, that sounds like that’ll be a good trip,” Ali agrees. She can tell Ashlyn is trying to make amends but she’s still slightly worried that she will revert to her old ways and put her walls back up again, especially when she travels. Ashlyn can make any promises she wants when they’re face to face but the real test comes when they’re separated again. She’s willing to give Ashlyn a chance though and she seems eager to make the best of it.

 

After breakfast and a shower (which of course leads to more), Ashlyn drives Ali back to the team hotel. She pulls up to the loading zone and puts her car in park for a moment. She studies Ali’s face in the passenger seat: the tanned skin, the warm brown eyes that Ashlyn can’t get enough of, and the lips that she feels the pull to kiss yet again. She doesn’t act on the impulse to kiss Ali this time, instead reminding herself of the rules she’d set long ago. “We’ll talk soon,” she promises.

 

* * *

  

**V. rough edges, perfect curves**

 

 Ultimately, Ashlyn cuts her trip to London short in order to surprise Ali by attending the Spirit’s last home game of the regular season. She doesn’t get a photography pass this time, instead watching from the hill behind the goal with the rest of the excited crowd. The Spirit wins and Ashlyn can see how excited Ali is as she makes her way around the field signing autographs for her many fans. When Ali finally makes her way to the grassy hill, Ashlyn feels like her heart will beat out of her chest.

 

“Will you sign my jersey?” Ashlyn asks when Ali gets near.

 

Ali looks up and Ashlyn watches as the realization hits her. She knew she recognized the voice but since she didn't know Ashlyn was coming, it takes her a few seconds to register who’s standing in front of her. She looks up and there’s Ashlyn towering over a group of little kids wearing a home jersey and a smile plastered on her face. Ali signs for the kids first and when they’ve scattered away to show their parents their new autographs, Ali turns her attention to Ashlyn, sharpie in hand. “Turn around,” she says. Ashlyn complies with the request and Ali smiles as she signs the number 11 that’s stretched across Ashlyn’s back.

 

When Ashlyn turns back to face Ali, her dimple is on full display. “Thanks, you’re my favorite player,” she says, eliciting a laugh from Ali.

 

“I better be,” Ali teases. She leans closer to Ashlyn and drops her voice so no one else can hear. “I’ll be done here soon. Meet me back at my apartment.”

 

“Got it,” Ashlyn nods. She watches for a moment as Ali greets the next fans before making her way through the crowds and out to her rental car. She was a little nervous about surprising Ali like this especially since she used a similar tactic at the game in Orlando but Ali seems nothing but thrilled to see her. She surprised her in a similar way before but this time, she wanted to make sure that Ali knows that she’s there for her and for her only and not because she wanted to take photos of the game. So she left her camera at home and showed up to the game clad in her new Krieger jersey.

 

Ali is usually pretty happy after they’ve won games, especially home games in front of their fans, but seeing Ashlyn in a Spirit jersey is the icing on the cake. So far, Ashlyn has kept her promise to be a better friend and they have only gotten closer in the weeks since the Orlando game.

 

It’s like a switch has been flipped.

 

Ali no longer has to wonder how long it’ll be before she hears from Ashlyn again. They text almost every day and although their sexual relationship is still casual, Ali finds herself thinking that there is potential for a relationship one day.

 

In just the two weeks since the game in Orlando, Ali has learned more about Ashlyn than she did in the first six months of their friendship. She’s learned about Ashlyn’s upbringing, about how she’s never really known stability. Even as an adult, her job has her traveling so much that she’s never in one place for too long. She loves her job, sure, but she worries that eventually she’ll feel the pull to settle down.

 

“I thought you were in London,” Ali says when she greets Ashlyn in the parking lot of her building.

 

“I was but I wanted to see you,” Ashlyn replies with a shrug. “You’ll be heading into playoffs soon so I figured this was a good time before you really have to buckle down and focus.”

 

“You’re not wrong,” Ali agrees. She leads the way into her apartment, feeling incredibly thankful that she’s cleaned up a little earlier. “What’d you do, exhaust all your options for a hookup in London?” she teases.

 

“Very funny,” Ashlyn deadpans, rolling her eyes. “I’m sure there are at least five women there that I haven’t slept with. Five single women, that is--I could never sleep with a married woman.”

 

“There just might be hope for you yet,” Ali replies.

 

For all of Ashlyn’s faults and the lifestyle she lives, Ali knows that Ashlyn is ultimately a good person so there’s no doubt in her mind that Ashlyn’s last statement is true. Ashlyn doesn’t want to hurt people, in fact, Ali figures that her casual approach to sex is an effort to avoid anyone getting hurt.

 

Ali knows this side of Ashlyn already.

 

She knows the side of Ashlyn that is afraid of giving too much of herself. She doesn’t know where the fear comes from and she can only assume it’s a product of her chaotic and unstable upbringing. She’s never known anything different and she’s reluctant to change her ways, to put herself on the line.

 

She’s now learning about the softer side of Ashlyn, the side of her that never wanted to continue that cycle.

 

She knows that when Ashlyn was a child, she swore that she would never be like her hard partying parents who were afraid of commitment. Ali wonders when and why Ashlyn lost that mentality, when she gave up on that promise to herself but she’s not sure if it’s her place to ask.

 

She knows the rough parts of Ashlyn’s personality, of her lifestyle. She knows about the near nightly excursions to the bar and the vices she can’t quite seem to get enough of.

 

She knows these things just like she knows every beautiful curve of Ashlyn’s body.

 

They split a bottle of wine and make out on Ali’s couch for a while. When the desire for more creeps up, Ali takes Ashlyn’s hand and leads her to the bedroom. She presses Ashlyn down into the mattress and takes charge as she reacquaints herself with Ashlyn’s body.

 

This time, when they’re finished, they don’t bother getting dressed for bed and instead curl up together completely naked. It’s the first time they have ever made the conscious decision to not get dressed after sex and it feels so normal to Ali that it’s almost painful.

 

Despite Ashlyn’s flaws, Ali has slowly found herself falling for the younger woman. Now that Ashlyn is actually putting effort into being a good, trustworthy friend, Ali can tell that they could make a pretty good couple. The chemistry was already there and now that they’re building trust, Ali knows that there could be something more there. In the safety of the dark, she decides to test the waters a little.

 

“Hey, Ash?” she begins, her voice cutting through the quiet that had settled over them.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can I ask you something kind of personal?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Why don’t you do relationships? I know you said before that you haven’t dated someone seriously in a long time and I’m wondering why.”

 

Ashlyn has been expecting this question for a while. Part of her wants to take the easy way out and make an excuse about traveling so much and not having the time to start a new relationship. She knows Ali would see right through that, though, and either way, she really has no reason to lie to Ali. “I, uh, it’s a long story,” she says.

 

“I’m listening.”

 

Ashlyn takes a deep breath as she allows herself to think about her college girlfriend for the first time in years. The memories are painfully vivid, as if it happened yesterday rather than ten years ago. She hasn't spoken about it since and, honestly, she'd rather do anything else than talk about it but Ali is looking at her with such curious compassion that Ashlyn feels surprisingly comfortable opening up to her. “The last person I dated was when I was in college. She was great: beautiful, intelligent, and driven--everything you’d want in a partner. We started dating in September of my sophomore year and I was madly in love with her. I really thought she was the one, you know? But over the summer she transferred schools without telling me and I never heard another word from her. I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t good enough for her to stick around. Hell, not even stick around, I wasn’t good enough to even get a warning that she was leaving--I had to hear it through a mutual friend. It just got in my head that I wasn’t worthy of love and after that, I always thought that maybe I was meant to be like my dad. I learned from the best, didn’t I? I have a revolving door of women just like he did but the good thing for me is that I don’t have children to parade them in front of so I’m not screwing any kids up like I was.”

 

Ali rolls onto her side to fully look at the other woman. Even in the dark she can see the pain in Ashlyn’s eyes and she's not sure she's ever seen someone look so broken. “Ash, I’m so sorry,” Ali says. “That is a shitty thing she did to you--no one deserves that. Whatever her reason was for leaving, you are so, so worthy of love. I want you to understand that. And it was shitty for your dad to do that too. It’s not fair to kids to let so many people come in and out of their lives like that.”

 

Ashlyn is moved by how protective Ali is of her in this moment. Her tone is firm but compassionate and Ashlyn is taken aback by how much Ali cares. No one other than her grandma has ever seemed to care this much about her, has ever loved her so deeply that they reminder her of how loved she is. “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

 

“But do you understand what I’m saying?” Ali challenges. “Do you understand that you are absolutely worthy of love, that you don’t have to be like your dad?”

 

Ashlyn takes a few moments to consider Ali’s question. She wholeheartedly wants to believe Ali but she still can't quite fathom anyone loving her enough to stick around. “It’s hard to reverse the thought process you’ve had for nearly ten years,” she decides.

 

Ali nods her understanding and presses a gentle kiss to Ashlyn’s bare shoulder. Her heart breaks for this younger version of Ashlyn, the one who was in love and so full of hope that she would be different than the example her parents set for her. Most of all, though, her heart breaks for present day Ashlyn who has spent the last ten years believing that no one could ever love her enough to stay and that she needs to protect her heart by not letting herself get in too deep. So much of Ashlyn’s lifestyle makes sense now and Ali knows this was the missing piece to the puzzle.

 

After a few minutes, Ashlyn cuts through the silence again. “All those times when I was a jerk and ignored you it was mainly because I was scared that I opened myself up too much to you,” she admits.

 

“You don’t have to be afraid of opening yourself up to me. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

* * *

 

**VI. loving you**

  

Now knowing what she knows about Ashlyn’s past and knowing why she is the way she is, Ali finds herself wanting to erase Ashlyn’s decade long fears. Slowly but surely, she finds herself falling for Ashlyn and wanting more. It’ll be no easy feat but now, unbeknownst to Ashlyn, Ali feels like she’s the one that needs to prove herself rather than the other way around. She needs to prove that she’s not going anywhere, that she’s not going to leave like Ashlyn’s ex or any of the women her father dated.

 

Being there for Ashlyn is the easiest, most rewarding thing Ali has ever done. The morning after her confession, Ashlyn seemed fearful that she’d revealed too much about herself, that Ali wouldn’t want any part in handling that kind of baggage. Ali sensed this hesitation and spent the morning worshipping every inch of Ashlyn’s body. She kissed all of her personal favorite spots and the spots that she knows drive Ashlyn crazy.

 

Just before she settled between the taller woman’s legs, she pressed a kiss to the scar on each knee, the same injuries that forced Ashlyn to quit the game they both love. It was a symbolic move as much as it was an erotic one and the meaning behind it was not lost on Ashlyn. Ali doesn’t mind her scars.

 

Getting Ashlyn to discuss those formative events seems to spark a change in her. Ali always felt that Ashlyn was repressing something by living life the way she does and now it seems as if she’s actually taking the time to deal with everything.

 

First, Ashlyn cuts her hair. It’s been a long time coming (her hair had enough of the constant harsh dye) but it seems deeper than that, a symbol of Ashlyn finally ridding herself of her demons. She still goes out more often than not but Ali can already tell that Ashlyn is being more selective with the women she spends her time with.

 

Baby steps.

 

Ali supports Ashlyn freely and relentlessly. Even when she thinks Ashlyn has made a bad choice, she assures Ashlyn that she only says something because she cares. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t take the time or the energy to press her on said bad decision. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t want Ashlyn to be the best version of herself.

 

Even their sexy FaceTime sessions seem more tender and vulnerable. It’s not perfect--they’re still just friends with benefits, after all--but Ali can tell that Ashlyn has less reservations and fear than before.

 

Everything is messier and more complicated than ever but seeing Ashlyn open up a little more everyday reminds Ali that it’s all worth it. They may never become more than what they are right now but if Ali can do the hard part and help Ashlyn believe that she is worthy of love, Ali knows that she’ll make some woman very, very happy one day.

 

If loving Ashlyn means getting dirty and helping her sift through the baggage of her past, Ali says bring it on.

 

* * *

 

**VII. all the time**

  

Ashlyn doesn’t attend the NWSL final. After so much traveling (in the last two months she has been to Brazil, London, D.C., and Costa Rica not to mention her home base in Orlando), Ashlyn really wants to take the time at home to decompress. As it is, Ali wants to focus on the game anyway so they make plans for Ali to visit Orlando after the final and Ashlyn promises to cheer as loud as she can at her TV.

 

Just as it seemed the Spirit was going to win, the Flash score an equalizer in the waning seconds of extra time and subsequently wins on penalties. It’s another tough loss for Ali in a difficult year and instead of running this time, Ashlyn makes sure Ali knows that she’s thinking about her and is waiting with open arms when she arrives from Houston.

 

Ashlyn picks Ali up at the airport and jumps out of the car to help Ali get her bags into the car. With Ali’s bags in the trunk, she pulls Ali into a hug and presses a kiss to her temple.

 

“I wanted to win so badly,” Ali says as she melts into Ashlyn’s embrace.

 

“I know.” Ashlyn holds Ali in her arms until a police officer scolds them for spending too much time parked in the loading zone so they quickly break apart and get into the car.

 

Ashlyn’s reaction to this loss couldn’t be more different than her reaction to the loss at the Olympics and is further proof that she is committed to being someone Ali can lean on.

 

“Thank you for being here for me,” Ali says as Ashlyn drives.

 

“Hey, I made that mistake once, I’m not going to do it again,” Ashlyn replies. “I need to be there for you just like you’re there for me.”

 

“I appreciate it.” She studies Ashlyn’s face as she drives, still getting used to Ashlyn’s short hair. It suits her, Ali thinks, and it feels symbolic that she’s starting to shed some of her layers that kept her heart protected for so long. She seems more content than Ali has ever seen her. She still likes her vices but Ali can tell that Ashlyn’s inner light is starting to shine through brighter than ever before.

 

Ali loves this version of Ashlyn.

 

She’s come to realize that she loves Ashlyn all the time but she loves this version of her the best.

 

Ashlyn has two public personas: the photographer with an eye for incredible action shots (it helps that she played the game for so long) and the fun party girl who can never be tied down. This softer version of Ashlyn is one that only a few people get to see and Ali feels lucky to be one of them. As much as she feels honored to be one of the few to know and understand this side of Ashlyn, she wants everyone to know her in this way. She wants everyone to know that she’s deeper than her private instagram account would suggest.

 

Ashlyn’s support never wavers after the NWSL final and when, a few weeks later, Ali is notified that she’s being traded to Orlando, Ashlyn is there to not only help her accept the trade but to see the value in starting new.

 

She gives Ali a new perspective about the trade. Yes, Ali is leaving her hometown, the place where she grew up dreaming of playing professionally but now she has the opportunity to challenge herself and to build ties with another community. She gets to work with world class coaches in a world class stadium where the women’s team has access to all the same resources as the men’s team.

 

With so many changes regarding her career, Ali could not be more thankful that Ashlyn is now a constant in her life. There was a time not too long ago when Ali never would have called her friendship with Ashlyn stable and dependable. For a long time, it always seemed as if she was meerely in Ashlyn’s orbit and that Ashlyn would always take what she needed before slipping out of her life for stretches at a time. Maybe it was only a few days or a week but Ali knows that eventually, Ashlyn would have slipped out of her life for good.

 

Now, she can rely on Ashlyn and she gets as much as she gives.

 

* * *

 

**VIII. different worlds**

  

While moving to Orlando deepens Ali and Ashlyn’s friendship, it also highlights just how different their lives are.

 

Now that they can see each other more often, it becomes increasingly clear that they experience life in completely different ways. Ashlyn doesn’t like sitting still for too long and since she’s not tied to one team or to one league, she works wherever she pleases, often deciding last minute when and where she’s going. Ali didn’t think it was possible to meet someone who travels for work more than she does but Ashlyn definitely has her beat. England, Spain, Germany, the U.S., Ashlyn covers them all.

 

With Ali in Orlando, however, Ashlyn makes a point to spend a little more time at home. She says she wants to help Ali settle in but really she just can’t get enough of Ali.

 

Now that they spend more time together, Ashlyn’s bad habits become a point of contention between the two.

 

After a particularly sloppy night out on Ashlyn’s part, Ali decides that she’s had enough. She genuinely enjoys Ashlyn and her company but she often feels as if she’s tasked with keeping Ashlyn out of trouble. It’s not that she doesn’t like to let loose and have fun--she certainly likes to enjoy and take advantage of her downtime as well--it’s that she worries that Ashlyn is still using it as a way to suppress the memories that haunt her.

 

Ali stays the night that night and in the morning, she decides to confront Ashlyn. With a stack of pancakes on the table, she decides to broach the topic.

 

“You were pretty wild last night,” Ali notes.

 

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Ashlyn replies with a sheepish grin.

 

Ali cuts into her pancakes as she considers the best course of action. She doesn’t want to tell Ashlyn how to live her life but she does want to help Ashlyn be the best person she can be so it is something she feels they need to discuss. “Do you ever think that maybe it’s too much?”

 

Ashlyn gives Ali an uncertain look but doesn’t reply.

 

“You know I care about you, right?”

 

Ashlyn nods.

 

“I want you to be the best version of yourself you can be and sometimes I wonder if you might be happier if you didn’t go out and party all the time. Don’t get me wrong, there’s definitely a time and a place for it, but it seems to me that it’s a little… unfulfilling when you do it so often.”

 

“You don’t understand,” Ashlyn says, anger flashing through her eyes.

 

“I’m not trying to start something with you, I promise,” Ali assures. “I want what’s best for you. At the end of your life, I want you to be able to look back and feel fulfilled and happy with your choices. I want you to live the life you always dreamed of and not feel like you wasted your life.”

 

“That’s harsh.”

 

“I’m just concerned,” Ali says.

 

“Well you have no reason to be,” Ashlyn snaps. “I like to have a good time, so what? I have fun and get to meet all different kinds of people.”

 

Ali holds steady eye contact, not willing to back down too easily. She wonders if anyone has ever really pressed Ashlyn on this topic. Based on her reaction, it doesn’t seem as if anyone has pushed her too hard. “You said that you have fun, not that it makes you happy. There’s a difference.”

 

“Gee, thanks, Doctor Phil,” Ashlyn retorts as she rolls her eyes.

 

“I think you know I’m right,” Ali says. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t feel the need to be so defensive.”

 

“I’m defensive because you’re pissing me off. Jesus Christ, Ali, what do you want me to say? I get it, your life is so much better than mine but that doesn’t mean I’m unfulfilled in my decisions. I make the choices I make and I’m fine with them. I don’t need you to put me on trial like this.”

 

“I only want what’s best for you,” Ali says quietly, as if a softer tone will make Ashlyn feel less threatened.

 

“Says the woman who has been content being friends with benefits with someone for nearly a year. Where’s your fulfillment, huh? Are you really getting it all from soccer? Don’t come at me about being unfulfilled when you’re in the same place I am.”

 

Ali grits her teeth and stands suddenly. “We are not the same.” She grabs her purse from the kitchen counter and makes her escape, slamming the front door closed behind her. Tears start falling before she even makes it to her car but she’s thankful that Ashlyn didn’t see the effect her words had. Ali sits in her car trying to compose herself. She can see Ashlyn still sitting at the small table by the window, her head dropped into her hands and their breakfast completely forgotten in front of her.

 

She thinks and hopes that Ashlyn didn’t mean the things she said, that they shot out of her mouth in anger but if Ali’s really honest with herself, she’s not in a much better place than Ashlyn is. Here she is, 32 years old, and she’s always been so focused on her career that she never chased the dreams she’s always had for her personal life.

 

Maybe she and Ashlyn aren’t so different after all.

 

* * *

 

**IX. roll on back to me**

  

After their argument, Ashlyn completely freezes Ali out. Ali wants to make amends but Ashlyn doesn’t respond to any of her texts or calls. After a few days, Ali pays visit to Ashlyn’s house and finds all the curtains drawn and she knows Ashlyn has left town. Her suspicions are confirmed a few hours later when Ashlyn posts a photo from a match in Spain.

 

She knows Ashlyn is mad, that much is painfully obvious. She’s not sure if Ashlyn will ever cool down enough to understand that she was coming from a caring, genuine place.

 

Three weeks pass without a single word from Ashlyn, the longest they’ve ever gone without speaking to one another. Ali hasn’t yet given up on their friendship and sends another text, hoping that this time will be different and she will get a reply.

 

_Ashlyn, please. I’m sorry. I only brought it up because I care about you._

 

Ashlyn’s typing bubble appears and disappears for nearly ten minutes before a response.

 

_You were right._

 

This is certainly not the response Ali was expecting. She’s still considering what she should say when Ashlyn texts her again. Out of all the times Ali has called her over the last three weeks, it’s unsurprising that Ashlyn finally responds to a text. Ali knows how much easier it is to get difficult discussions out of the way via text.

 

_You were right, I’m not happy. You know when I’m the happiest? It’s when I’m with you._

 

Ali’s jaw drops at this message and she longs to call Ashlyn, to hear her voice as they try to make amends. She knows they both have a lot of thinking to do still if they’re going to patch things up and she doesn’t want to push too soon.

 

_You make me happy too._

 

_I fly home tomorrow. Can I come see you?_

 

_Of course._

 

Ali doesn’t sleep well that night. She’s not sure what will come the next day but she has a feeling it will change everything.

 

There’s still a lot of hurt there. There’s hurt on both sides just as there is fault on both sides. Maybe they won’t be able to patch things up but maybe, just maybe, they’ll find their way to something more.

 

_I’m happiest when I’m with you._

 

The words run through Ali’s mind all night. There is no ambiguity there, no room for alternative interpretations. A simple statement that rocked Ali’s world. To say that it was unexpected would be the understatement of the century but once she recovered from the shock, Ali finally understood just how sincere the words were. It’s Ashlyn’s deepest truth and Ali wonders if she’s been running from it all this time.

 

She thinks back to their conversation about Ashlyn’s college girlfriend, about how Ashlyn was conditioned to protect herself from love rather than give herself to it. Ever since learning about the woman that broke Ashlyn’s heart, Ali couldn’t help but feel a little bit envious of Ashlyn. At least she’s experienced love while Ali has spent her entire adult life focusing on the love of her sport. Ashlyn wasn’t wrong when she pointed out that Ali’s life must be equally unfulfilling.

 

When Ashlyn demanded to know where Ali got her fulfillment from, Ali wanted to say that it was right there in front of her. She wanted to bang her fists on the table and make Ashlyn understand that the reason she has been content with their situation for so long is because she loves Ashlyn so much that she’ll take whatever version of her she can get. Instead, she did the one thing she promised Ashlyn she would never do.

 

She ran.

 

It shouldn’t have surprised her that when she ran from Ashlyn, Ashlyn ran even farther. If Ali was putting distance between them, Ashlyn was going to put more.

 

Ali knew as soon as she pulled out of Ashlyn’s driveway that she made a mistake by leaving. She didn’t intend to act on Ashlyn’s deepest fear that people would always leave her but she knew that she had to get out of there before more damage was done. If she had stayed, she’s not sure what either of them might have said that would have been the last straw. All she wanted was to protect their relationship from further damage but once she cooled down, she feared that she might have ruined it by leaving the way she did.

 

Three weeks passed before Ashlyn would respond to any of Ali’s messages. When she finally did respond, she challenged everything Ali thought she knew.

 

_I’m happiest when I’m with you._

 

Ali mulls over the words for so long that they cease to feel like real words. The meaning is still there, though, and Ali can feel the weight of them on her mind as she tries to sleep.

 

Ashlyn texts her when her flight is boarding. Ali paces, cleans, and waits all day and when Ashlyn finally says that her flight landed and she’s on her way over, Ali feels like she’s going to pass out.

 

Ashlyn is coming back to her. She’s coming back and Ali knows that it’ll be bigger and brighter than before.

* * *

 

**X. the only one I see**

 

Ashlyn goes right to Ali’s place from the airport. Neither of them can wait to talk anymore so despite her exhaustion from an international flight and the time change, there is no where else Ashlyn would rather be than with Ali.

 

She doesn’t even have to knock before Ali swings the door open. “I’m super jet-lagged so I might be a little loopy,” Ashlyn prefaces.

 

“You’re always loopy,” Ali quips. She steps deeper into her apartment and allows Ashlyn inside, closing the door before she pulls Ashlyn into a hug.

 

“I am so sorry,” Ashlyn says. “I got defensive and took it too far.”

 

“It’s okay,” Ali assures. “I think we were both right.”

 

They move to the  living room where they sit across from each other on the couches. Once settled, Ali is the one to speak first. “I love my sport,” she begins, “but you were right, it’s not everything. I’ve always been so focused on my career that I never really took the time to accomplish my personal goals. I love spending time with you and I think you gave me a taste of everything I was missing out on by being so career driven.”

 

“We’ve both missed out on a lot of time,” Ashlyn says. “At first, I didn’t want to consider your point because I knew you were right--there’s a difference between fun and fulfillment. It’s easy to pretend they’re one in the same but when that illusion was shattered, I realized that my lifestyle doesn’t make me happy. You make me happy. You make me happier than I’ve been since college but I still feel like I’m not good enough for you. I still worry that I’m too much to handle.”

 

Ali gets off of the couch to kneel in front of Ashlyn. She takes Ashlyn’s hands in her own, gently brushing her thumbs across the backs of Ashlyn’s hands. “You are good enough. I know you, Ashlyn, and I know that you are enough. I want--need--you in my life. I want your smile to be the last thing I see before I fall asleep and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. I want to be the person who proves to you that you are more than enough.”

 

“Where do we go from here?” Ashlyn questions.

 

“Where do you want things to go?”

 

“Not gonna lie, right now I’m so exhausted that I mostly want to go to bed,” Ashlyn half jokes. She tugs on Ali’s hands, pulling her onto her lap. “You're really not going to get sick of me and disappear?”

 

“I can't promise that I won't get sick of you,” Ali says. She sees Ashlyn’s face fall and she knows that she took it the wrong way. “Hey, not like that,” she assures, pressing a kiss to Ashlyn’s cheek. “What I mean is that I can't guarantee it'll always be smooth sailing but I can guarantee that it'll take a lot for me to walk away and I would never disappear on you. I care about you too much to put you through that.”

 

“Okay,” Ashlyn says. “Then I'd like to take things slow, at least at first. It's been a while and I want to do things right.”

 

“Do what right?” Ali asks. She knows what Ashlyn means but they need to have everything out in the open so there is no room for confusion or uncertainty.

 

“I want to date you.”

 

“Exclusively?”

 

Ashlyn nods immediately. She already thought long and hard about this on her flight home. No one has ever pushed her to be a better person like Ali has. Ali knows about her flaws and scars and has stuck around, even when Ashlyn hasn’t earned or deserved her attention. There’s still time to break the vicious cycle, to prove to herself that she can be the person she always dreamed of being. “No more messing around,” she says, a massive grin on her face.

 

“Yeah?” Ali questions, matching Ashlyn's grin.

 

“Yeah. No one compares to you anyway.”

 

“Took you long enough to realize that.”

 

Ashlyn kisses Ali softly. “Better late than never, right?”

 

“Absolutely,” Ali agrees. “You want to stay here tonight? Or is that not part of taking things slow?”

 

“Honestly, even if I wanted to go back to my place I’d probably fall asleep at the wheel.”

 

Ali gets off of Ashlyn’s lap and extends a hand to help Ashlyn off of the couch as well. They get ready for bed quickly and quietly, both of them mentally and physically exhausted.

 

There’s still so much to discuss, apologies that need to be said and plans to move forward. For the night, however, they’re perfectly content with a good night’s sleep in each other’s arms.

 

They don’t yet know if things will work out. What they do know is that they are both committed, that they want to be the type of person the other deserves.

 

On her flight back home, Ashlyn decided once and for all that her college girlfriend controlled her life for far too long. She didn’t see Ashlyn’s worth and, in turn, Ashlyn lost sight of it herself. Ali helped her pull down the walls she built and Ashlyn can’t quite believe how lucky she is to have someone like that in her life. Most people wrote off Ashlyn’s lifestyle as following in the footsteps of her parents and had long given up on trying to get her to change her ways. Ali never gave up on her, even when Ashlyn didn't deserve her. Ali challenged her to work through those uncomfortable memories and now Ashlyn finally feels free from the burden of the woman who left without a goodbye.

 

If anything, her ex wasn’t worthy of her.

 

A year ago, Ashlyn never would have thought this. Before Ali, Ashlyn felt unworthy of love.

 

Now, she realizes just how much she has to give, how much she’s missed out on by protecting her heart for the last ten years.

 

Things might not work out with Ali and they still both might end up getting hurt in the end but it’s worth every risk.

 

They sleep late the next morning and when Ashlyn finally wakes up, Ali is right there by her side smiling at her. Ashlyn laces their hands together and presses a gentle kiss to Ali’s forehead. They’ve woken up together so many times before but there’s something different now.

 

Ali is the only one on Ashlyn’s mind.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for mention of an OD death under the heading 'saved' (not a major character but just so you know)

 

**I.** **good enough**

 

Very few people in Ali’s life are happy to learn about her relationship with Ashlyn. They know the stories, the hurt and uncertainty there has been between them. They know (to an extent, at least) of Ashlyn’s past and her decade long refusal to commit to one person.

 

At first, Ashlyn is reluctant for people to know about their relationship. Given their history, she knows that the response from those close to Ali will likely range from not thrilled to outright unsupportive and she worries that their negative responses will give Ali second thoughts. Ali values the opinions of those closest to her, particularly those of her mom and brother, and if they disapprove of their relationship, Ashlyn is almost certain Ali will end things before they can really begin.

 

Instead of being deterred, however, Ali is fiercely protective of Ashlyn and their relationship.

 

Ashlyn is used to seeing this side of Ali on the pitch but seeing Ali so protective of their relationship moves Ashlyn in a way that she can't quite explain. Not only is Ali willing to date her, to help her work through her deep seeded issues, she is also willing to stand up to those closest to her in defense of their relationship.

 

It takes a month of dating for Ashlyn to be comfortable enough to call Ali her girlfriend. Ali is understanding the whole time but when they finally reach that milestone, she decides that it’s time to tell people about their relationship. Ashlyn is over at Ali’s apartment, ready for a wine and movie night in when Ali’s phone signals an incoming call from her mom.

 

Ali looks over at Ashlyn before she answers, assuring that it’s okay to tell her mom about their relationship. Ashlyn nods and waits on bated breath as Ali answers the phone and cheerfully greets Deb.

 

“It’ll be okay,” Ali whispers as she takes Ashlyn’s hand.

 

Ashlyn can only hear Ali’s side of the conversation but what starts off as a normal, light hearted phone call quickly turns tense as soon as Ali makes her announcement. As Ali grows more and more defensive, her grip on Ashlyn’s hand gets tighter. Though she can only hear Ali’s side of the conversation, it’s painfully obvious that the conversation isn’t going well and she braces herself for the worst.

 

After nearly ten minutes of back and forth, Ali seems like she’s had enough. “Can you just trust me on this, please?” she says. Now, she meets Ashlyn’s eyes, equal parts comforting Ashlyn and reminding herself why she’s doing this. She loves her mom more than anything but she loves Ashlyn too and she needs to make her mom understand just how serious she is--how serious they both are--about this relationship. “She makes me really, really happy and I think you would like her if you got to know her.”

 

They talk for a few more minutes still and when they’re done, Ali curls into Ashlyn’s side. “She hates me,” Ashlyn says.

 

“She doesn’t,” Ali assures. “She just loves me and wants what’s best for me. Like how I challenge you when I want you to make the right decision. I only say things because I love you and she only said something because she loves me.”

 

It’s the first time in over ten years Ashlyn has heard those words from a woman other than her mother or grandmother and although she knows that Ali probably didn’t intend to say them for the first time like that, she can’t help but smile. “Well, I love you too,” she says.

 

Ali’s face scrunches up in confusion. “Oh my god,” she exclaims as she realizes what she’s done. “I just--”

 

“You did,” Ashlyn affirms. She smiles as she leans down for a kiss but Ali puts a hand to her chest to stop her.

 

“No, wait, I want to do that right,” Ali says. “I kind of fucked it up and I want to do it right.”

 

“Al, it’s fine. It’s kind of cute, actually.”

 

Ali sits up a little straighter in Ashlyn’s arms and runs a gentle hand through her girlfriend’s hair. “I wanted to make it special when I said that.” She sighs, crossing her arms over her chest. Though they’ve only been officially dating for just over a month, it’s something she’s wanted to say for a while, having fallen in love with Ashlyn long before they ever started dating. As ready as she was to say it, she wasn’t sure if Ashlyn was ready to hear it so she kept it inside for as long as possible, hoping for the perfect, magical moment that they would both remember and cherish forever. This was certainly not how she intended to say it.

 

“Are you seriously pouting because you accidentally told me you love me?”

 

“Yes,” Ali grumbles.

 

“You’re cute,” Ashlyn says. She kisses the top of Ali’s head, which seems to relax the other woman. “I love you.”

 

Even if Ali wanted to, she can’t control her smile as she meets Ashlyn’s eyes which are as soft and sincere as she has ever seen them. “Yeah? I figured it might be a while before you’d be ready to say that.”

 

Ashlyn nods, pulling Ali closer. Truthfully, being in love again still scares her to death but Ali makes it so, so easy to love her and Ashlyn knows she protected her heart for far too long.  “What’s not to love? To start, you’re my best friend and the greatest person I’ve ever known. You’re intelligent, funny, beautiful, and you put up with me which is a feat in and of itself. And you always want what’s best for me. Whether I’m deserving of your love is another story.”

 

“Hey,” Ali protests, turning to cup Ashlyn’s face in her hands. “I just spent fifteen minutes defending how I feel about you to my mom, don’t make me convince you that you deserve my love too.”

 

“You don’t just love me because I don’t mind doing your stinky after practice and game laundry?”

 

Ali laughs as she shakes her head. “Nope,” she says. She leans forward and presses a kiss to Ashlyn’s cheek. “I love you because you’re kind and hilarious and you make me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. And you make me happier than I’ve ever been.”

 

Ashlyn smiles as she pulls Ali in for a kiss. They move against one another gentle and slow, breaking apart after a minute. Months ago, every kiss they shared led to something more. Both women were interested in one thing and one thing only and kissing was simply used as a buildup to sex. Now that they’re dating, however, sometimes they’re perfectly content to kiss just for the sake of kissing, building trust and intimacy.

 

When they pull apart, Ashlyn buries her head in Ali’s neck. “So what did your mom say?”

 

“Not gonna lie, she wasn’t thrilled,” Ali replies. She gently runs her hand up and down Ashlyn’s back, smirking as Ashlyn shivers when she hits a particularly ticklish spot. “She asked if I was sure it was the right thing to do and said that she worries I’ll get hurt. I was having none of that, obviously, and I told her that I care about you and that you make me happy.”

 

“Thank you for defending me like that,” Ashlyn says, feeling sleepy at Ali’s gentle ministrations on her back.

 

“Ash, if I wasn’t willing to stand up for our relationship I wouldn’t be with you to begin with. I made my choice and whether or not anyone else thinks you’re good enough for me, I think you’re good enough for me and that’s what matters. Now are we going to start this movie or not?”

 

As Ashlyn presses play and the movie begins, she’s lost in thought about the conversation they’ve just had. She feared, even as recently as thirty minutes ago, that the negative opinions of Ali’s friends and family would change how Ali sees her. If Ali’s mom thought she wasn’t good enough for her, there was no doubt in her mind that Ali would be swayed and their relationship would be over. She has no reason to doubt Ali, no, but after ten years of thinking no one would ever love her enough to stay, it’s hard to break herself of that mentality. Hearing Ali defend her and their relationship like that--to her mother no less--did more to ease Ashlyn’s mind than she could ever put into words.

 

Then, the little slip up.

 

Ali loves her. Ali loves her and it didn’t take a second thought for Ashlyn to say it back. It’s something she’s felt for a while, something she felt even before they started dating and she feels freer than ever now that they’ve said it.

 

Ali loves her and Ashlyn feels like the luckiest woman in the world.

 

* * *

 

**II. as I do**

 

The first time Deb meets Ashlyn, she’s uncharacteristically cold and distant. No matter who Ali has dated in the past, Deb has always at least attempted to get to know them before passing too much judgement. With Ashlyn, however, it appears as if Deb has already made her decision.

 

Nevertheless, Deb promised Ali she would be polite to her girlfriend. She certainly keeps her promise but it takes over an hour for her to get much friendlier than that. Ashlyn, meanwhile, is on her best behavior, even preparing dinner while Ali and Deb catch up in the living room. As the wine starts flowing and Ashlyn makes both of her dinner companions laugh, Deb becomes more than cordial and Ali finds herself smiling that Ashlyn is making such a good impression on her stubborn mom.

 

Given their history and how protective her mother is, Ali knows they still have a long way to go for Deb to be fully accepting of their relationship but Deb hugs Ashlyn before she leaves and Ali knows that the visit was a massive step in the right direction.

 

While Deb was cold the first time she met Ashlyn, Kyle is judgmental and rude.

 

Unlike Deb who, at the very least, kept her promise to be polite, Kyle spends the better part of his first day in town grilling Ashlyn on everything from drug and alcohol use to previous sexual partners to her goals for the future and whether or not his sister is part of Ashlyn’s ideal future.

 

After nearly an hour of questioning, Ali decides that she’s heard enough.

 

“Kyle, stop,” Ali demands just after he asks Ashlyn about STDs.

 

“What?” Kyle questions, playing innocent. “I’m just talking to her.”

 

Ali scoots closer to her girlfriend on the couch, taking her hand. “No, you’re not. You’re being rude and accusatory.”

 

“I’m just making sure she’s good enough for you,” Kyle defends, shrugging.

 

“She is good enough for me and if you actually got to know her instead of asking invasive questions, you would know that.”

 

“I’m sorry, is this not the same woman who would sleep with you and then not respond to any of your messages for weeks on end? You told me yourself several times that she’s not a very good friend and now I’m supposed to accept that she’s the amazing girlfriend you say she is?”

 

“She’s an incredible girlfriend,” Ali says without any hesitation.

 

“I think I’m going to head home,” Ashlyn says, making a move to stand. She kisses Ali on the cheek, lingering just a few seconds. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

 

“No, Ash, please stay,” Ali replies. “I want you to hear this.”

 

Ashlyn nods, sitting back down on the couch next to Ali. She looks over at her girlfriend, seeing the fire and the fury in those brown eyes and although Kyle was kind of a jerk to her, she pities him for what he’s about to endure.

 

“Kyle, I love you,” Ali begins, “I love you and I appreciate that you want what’s best for me. But I’m in love with Ashlyn. Did we get off to the best start? Of course we didn’t. We both screwed up and said things we shouldn’t have said and weren’t there when the other needed it. That was not all on Ashlyn, we both needed to be better. But I wouldn’t trade that for anything because it made us what we are today. Ashlyn is a wonderful person who makes me happy and treats me well and all I want is for you to know her as I do.” She puts a gentle, comforting hand on Ashlyn’s thigh. “Now, if you’re not going to be nice, I’d be glad to get you a hotel but you will not chase her out of my apartment like that, I won’t allow it.”

 

Kyle looks between Ali and Ashlyn, finally softening at Ali’s words and the level of comfort the two women seem to share. He’s still more than a little wary about the relationship but he has never heard Ali speak so passionately about a partner before and the least he can do is trust her judgement. “Okay,” he relents. “I’m sorry, I’ll behave.”

 

“Now that would be a first,” Ali quips.

 

Just like that, all the tension in the room gives way to laughter and gentle ribbing.

 

Ashlyn knew from Ali’s stories about Kyle’s past that they have a lot in common (some good things, others not so good) and it comes as a relief that their similarities foster a sense of camaraderie rather than pushing them to bump heads. Out of everything they have in common, loving and wanting what’s best for Ali is their most important commonality and although she and Kyle got off to a rocky start, Ashlyn knows that her love for Ali will speak for itself.

 

The trio talks long into the night as Ashlyn and Kyle get to know each other. Now that they’re getting along, Ali loves watching her two favorite people interact and mostly stays quiet as she sips her wine. With each additional glass, she gets a little more affectionate which does not go unnoticed by either of her companions. It starts slow: her hand moving farther up Ashlyn’s thigh, gentle and firm all at once; that same hand wandering up Ashlyn’s side until she’s tracing the tattoos that adorn Ashlyn’s bicep that’s left exposed by her tanktop; her left hand finding Ashlyn’s thigh as she rests her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder and runs her right hand through Ashlyn’s hair.

 

“Hey, Al?” Kyle starts, rousing Ali from the verge of sleep as she plays with Ashlyn’s hair. Ali makes no move to sit up but looks at her brother expectantly. “You know how you said you want me to know Ashlyn as you do?”

 

Ali nods.

 

“I think I’m gonna refrain from knowing her like that,” Kyle says, gesturing to the position Ali is in, tucked into her girlfriend’s side with one hand on her thigh and the other still gently moving against Ashlyn’s scalp.

 

Ali laughs, still making no attempt to move. “You sure? There’s room on her other side,” she teases.

 

“Positive,” Kyle replies.

 

When Ali and Ashlyn retire to bed that night, Ali sighs contentedly as she curls up against Ashlyn. “He likes you,” she says, pressing a gentle kiss to Ashlyn’s shoulder.

 

Ashlyn grins, lazily running a hand over Ali’s back. “I like him. Thank you for making him relax with all the questions.”

 

“Did he make you uncomfortable?”

 

“A little,” Ashlyn replies. “But I wouldn’t have answered anything I didn’t want to. He just wasn’t really getting to know me like that. He was only learning about bad things and that’s not who I am--at least, not anymore.”

 

“If anyone understands that, it’s Kyle,” Ali says, meeting Ashlyn’s eyes. “Thank you for putting up with his questions for as long as you did. I love you.”

 

Ashlyn pulls Ali closer, kissing her forehead. “I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

**III. old ways**

 

Ashlyn doesn’t regret a moment of her time with Ali. She loves Ali and the life that they’re building together. She loves all parts of Ali, even the things that sometimes drive her crazy because they all make Ali who she is. She loves Ali’s humor, her passion for the things and people she cares about. She loves that soft mumble when Ali can’t quite bring herself to enunciate. She loves that while her body tends to run a little cold, Ali tends to run a little hot and she can always warm her feet in the night by pressing them to Ali’s skin (though she’s certain Ali isn’t particularly fond of this).

 

She loves Ali and the life they’re building more than she ever thought possible but when she goes to London for a few weeks to shoot Premier League action while Ali is in season with the Pride, she can’t help but miss certain things about her old life. The fun, carefree life she lived before she had someone to hold her accountable.

 

It’s not that she resents Ali, that’s not it at all. Ali only wants what is best for her and she knows that her life is much more fulfilling now than it ever was. But temptation is a tricky beast and being away from Ali in a place with so many vices has Ashlyn feeling more and more tempted every hour.

 

She gives in slowly. First, by reconnecting with old London friends for dinner and drinks. She hasn’t had much contact with these friends since she and Ali became serious. It was her own choice, she knows they’re not good influences, but after spending so much time with Ali during the NWSL offseason, London feels way too large and lonely without some sort of familiar companionship. Dinner and drinks turns into a night on the town at one of their favorite clubs. The music is so loud that Ashlyn misses Ali’s first three FaceTime calls and when she finally remembers that they were supposed to talk after Ali made it to the team hotel in North Carolina, she curses under her breath and attempts to find a quiet place to accept Ali’s fourth call. She steps outside the club, leaning against the wall just outside the door.

 

“It’s about time,” Ali says tersely as soon as Ashlyn answers. “Where are you?” she asks, taking in what she can see and hear of Ashlyn’s surroundings.

 

“Sorry, I’m out with friends,” Ashlyn says. She tries her best to sound sober but she’s far from it and she knows Ali sees right through her.

 

“The friends you wanted to stay away from because they’re bad influences?”

 

“They’re fine, Al,” Ashlyn says, suddenly feeling defensive. It was her own idea that she would stay away from these particular friends and it should be her own choice if she wanted to see them. She’s already disappointed in herself and doesn’t feel like getting into it with Ali at the moment. “I miss you,” she adds, hoping to change the subject. Her words slur a little too much, though, and it’s clear Ali is nowhere near as ready to drop it as she is. “I’m just a little drunk,” she says as Ali’s eyes narrow.

 

“And?” Ali prompts, knowing these friends don’t often limit themselves to just alcohol.

 

“A little weed,” Ashlyn says, closing her eyes so she doesn’t have to see the disappointed look on Ali’s face. “I said no to everything else, I swear.”

 

“Ashlyn,” Ali begins gently.

 

“Please don’t lecture me,” Ashlyn snaps before Ali can say anything more. “I know what you’re gonna say and I don’t want to hear it tonight, okay?”

 

“Oh, so you can read my mind?” Ali demands. “What was I going to say?”

 

Ashlyn rolls her eyes, feeling slightly more sober now than when they started this conversation. “That you’re disappointed with me, that you don’t want me hanging out with my friends, and that you can’t let me out of your sight because I just fuck up.”

 

Ali sighs. Wrong, wrong, and wrong. What she was really planning on saying is that she wants Ashlyn to be careful, that there’s nothing wrong with what she’s already done but to make sure that she doesn’t slip deeper into her older, more destructive habits while surrounded by the exact people Ashlyn wanted to cut all ties with. Ashlyn mentioned being lonely when they spoke last night and while Ali wishes Ashlyn had picked a healthier way to deal with her loneliness rather than breaking the promise she made to herself, she’s nowhere near as disappointed as Ashlyn seems to think she is. She doesn’t get to say any of this, however, as Ashlyn won’t let her get a word in.

 

“I’m sure you’re used to me fucking up by now, right?” Ashlyn continues. “You were probably expecting this, huh?” She closes her eyes again and takes a deep breath. “You deserve someone better, Ali. You deserve someone better than me.”

 

“Ashlyn, no,” Ali says. “You are good enough for me, do you understand?”

 

“No, I’m not,” Ashlyn protests. “You were calling to tell me that you made it to your hotel safely while I’m over here getting fucked up with these assholes. Hell, I’m such a fuck up that every time we talk you’re probably bracing yourself to hear that I’ve cheated on you or something awful like that.”

 

“I’m not worried about that at all, Ashlyn, you know that. I trust you.” She’s trying desperately to get through to Ashlyn but it’s clear Ashlyn isn’t absorbing any of it.

 

“You should be with someone like you,” Ashlyn says quietly. “And I should be alone without anyone to disappoint.”

 

Ali takes a deep breath, trying to hold herself together. “That’s not what I want, babe, I want you. You might not see things the way I do but you _are_ good enough for me, Ash, I love you so much.”

 

“I love you too,” Ashlyn says, refusing to meet Ali’s eyes. “But I’m a ticking time bomb, Ali. How long until I really fuck up? And then I’ve hurt you which is the last thing I want to do.”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“I think we should take a break so I can figure my shit out.”

 

Although Ali could feel this coming for the last few minutes, there was no way to brace herself to hear the words she dreaded so much. Her heart breaks and it takes everything in her to not fall apart on the spot. “Ashlyn, please,” she begs.

 

“Just for a little while,” Ashlyn promises. “I clearly still have things I need to work through before I’m ready to be the person you need and deserve.”

 

“You’re already the person I need and deserve.”

 

“I’m sorry, Ali. We’ll talk when I get home from London, okay? Just a ten day break and hopefully I’ll be able to sort through these thoughts by then. I love you.”

 

Ali almost doesn’t say it back. Why should she when Ashlyn is putting a halt to their relationship? But she loves Ashlyn deeply and if this break turns into something more permanent, she wants to say it one last time, wants Ashlyn to hear it one last time in the hope that it will get through to her. “I love you too,” she finally says. “So much.”

 

As difficult as it is after the conversation she’s just had, Ali turns all her attention on her team and the tough game against the Courage they’ll play the next afternoon.

 

Meanwhile, Ashlyn returns to her London hotel without so much as a goodbye to her friends inside the club, though she does text them that she’s leaving so they don’t worry on the off chance they even realize she’s gone. The more she sobers up, the more she regrets doing what she just did but she still can’t help but feel like she let Ali down more by reverting to some of her old ways than she did by asking for a temporary break from their relationship.

 

She’s not sure what she wants.

 

She wants Ali more than anything, that much she knows, but she can never help but feel like she’s not good enough for Ali and that Ali deserves better. Most of the time, Ali’s assurances are enough but now she can’t help but fear that this will be a vicious cycle for her. It’s so easy to fall into her old ways when they’re apart and the loneliness gets to Ashlyn and she doesn’t want to keep disappointing Ali like this. While this was a small slip up from the woman she’s become, she fears that it’s just the beginning.

 

Ten days.

 

Ten days to prove to herself that while she slipped up, she is no longer the person who cannot resist the vices she once loved so much. In a way, the (hopefully) temporary break from Ali serves as motivation to really get her act together.

 

She watches the Pride’s game against the Courage in her hotel room and then the game against Kansas City the following week. She misses Ali terribly but she’s impressed herself that even in her loneliness, she hasn’t resorted to contacting those friends again. Instead, she’s had lunch with HAO and spends the rest of her free time connecting with new people at coffee shops and checking out local stores. As many times as she’s been to London, she feels as if she’s hardly seen the city, especially the city during the day. Generally, she gets her work done at games and goes out at night, which leaves her too hungover to do anything the next day.

 

With her mind clear, all she can think about is Ali. She sees her everywhere. She thinks about how Ali would love the coffee from the place next to the hotel and the dent they would put on their credit cards shopping on Oxford street together and she imagines the nice date she’d take Ali on if she were there with her. She even stocks up on chocolate to bring home to Ali, knowing how much she misses European chocolate from her days in Germany.

 

She texts Ali the morning she’s heading back home and though she knows Ali saw the text (the typing bubble appeared twice), it comes as no surprise that Ali doesn’t reply until the last possible second before Ashlyn boards her plane.

 

_Have a safe flight._

 

Ashlyn briefly hopes that there will be a follow up text but it never comes. She knows she hurt Ali but she feels that the last ten days were necessary to learn how to deal with the loneliness that comes with being apart in healthier ways.

 

Now, she hopes she can convince Ali to see things her way.

 

* * *

 

**IV. wasted time**

 

When Ashlyn finally lands back in Orlando, she decides to test her luck a little.

 

_Just landed. Love you._

 

This time, Ali’s response comes quickly.

 

_Love you too._

 

Ashlyn breathes a sigh of relief at Ali’s reply before sending a follow up.

 

_Want to come over after training today? I’ll make dinner._

 

_Sure. I’ll text you when we’re done._

 

Ashlyn makes chicken parm, one of Ali’s favorite meals and works out what she’s going to say to explain herself. It’s the most nervous she’s been to see Ali in a long time and when she hears Ali come through the front door, she wipes her sweaty palms on her jeans. She makes her way to the front door, unsure of whether she should greet Ali with a kiss or not.

 

“I’m sorry,” she blurts. “You know I want to be with you.”

 

“I know,” Ali says. “Can we talk while we eat? I’m starving.”

 

Ashlyn nods and leads the way to the kitchen table where she has already plated their food and poured two large glasses of wine. They take their usual spots and eat in silence before Ashlyn can’t take it anymore.

 

“I’m sorry for disappointing you by giving into temptation.”

 

“I think you disappointed yourself more than you disappointed me,” Ali replies gently.

 

Ashlyn nods, taking Ali’s words in. She made the promise to herself that she wouldn’t see those friends or revert back to her old lifestyle choices and when she was faced with explaining herself to Ali, the person who genuinely wants what is best for her, she couldn’t help but feel like she’d let both of them down. In her shame (and haze of alcohol), she did the one thing she could think to do: separate herself from Ali before she could screw up even more. She tells Ali all of this, explaining to her that clearing her head as she did helped her to find better ways to cope with being apart than giving into the temptation. If she could resist for the last ten days without Ali to turn to for encouragement, she feels confident in knowing that she can do it with Ali’s help as well.

 

“That’s great, Ash, it really is,” Ali says. “But we can’t take a break every time we’re apart for a few weeks or every time you’re in a tempting situation. If we’re going to be together, we’re going to be together all the time and you have to let me help you when you feel lonely and let me get you through things when you think you’ve screwed up. I love you and I want to be with you and start a family with you one day but we can’t be together if you’re going to break things off like that whenever you feel like. I can’t be with someone who is in most of the time but who wants to take a break when things are hard. If you can’t be with me then we need to make a clean break here and now before we get in any deeper. We need to be equally committed.”

 

“I never meant to make you think I’m not committed,” Ashlyn replies.

 

“Whether that was your intent or not, that’s how it felt and it really fucking hurt. It really, really hurt.”

 

Ashlyn recoils at Ali’s words, looking down at her plate to avoid seeing the hurt in her girlfriend’s eyes.

 

“Hey,” Ali says, taking Ashlyn’s hand across the table. “I just missed you is all. It only hurt because I love you so much and I wanted to help you. I’m still in this if you’re still in this.”

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you wanted to walk away right now,” Ashlyn mumbles.

 

“I’ve never been able to walk away from you, even when I wanted to. I’m staying put and we’re going to get through this.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Ashlyn says, finally meeting Ali’s eyes as Ali brushes the back of her hand with her thumb. “I want to make it up to you.”

 

“I can think of a few ways,” Ali suggests with a wink. “I missed you so much.”

 

“I’ve missed you too,” Ashlyn replies, an uncharacteristically shy grin appearing on her face. “I think we need to go to London together this fall. All I could think about was how I wanted you there with me. We could go to a Chelsea game and shop and have lots of sex.”

 

“Football, shopping, and you. My three favorite things,” Ali grins.

 

“What a coincidence,” Ashlyn begins, “those are my favorites too.”

 

Their dinner is soon forgotten as they make their way to Ashlyn’s bedroom to really reconnect. After more than two weeks apart, the majority of which was spent on a break, they are both eager to reacquaint themselves with each other. Ali doesn’t take a moment of it for granted, knowing just how close Ashlyn had been to walking away for good out of fear of disappointing her.

 

It’s been a hard ten days but Ali never once stopped believing in their relationship. They’ve already made it through so much and if all the bumps in the road have taught her anything, it’s that she and Ashlyn will always find their way back to one another.

 

There’s no doubt in her mind that Ashlyn is her person.

 

Ashlyn is the little spoon that night. It’s one of their more common sleeping positions but Ali relishes the feeling of Ashlyn in her arms as if it’s their first night together. It’s the best sleep she’s gotten since Ashlyn left for London and when she wakes in the morning, she finds Ashlyn watching her sleep. “How long have you been up?” she asks.

 

Ashlyn checks the clock on her bedside table. “About three hours. I’m still on London time.”

 

“You been watching me the whole time?”

 

Ashlyn shrugs, a smirk on her face. “You’re cute when you sleep. I’ve been watching you and daydreaming.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Ali asks, quirking an eyebrow. “About what?”

 

“You, us, things we’ve been through and all the amazing things in our future.”

 

Ali hums and snuggles closer to Ashlyn’s chest at the mention of them having a future together. They’ve spoken of their future before but she’s often the one leading the discussion so it’s comforting to know that Ashlyn pictures it as well. “Anything good?”

 

“Well,” Ashlyn begins, grinning, “I was thinking that maybe after the season is over you should move in here with me. Your lease will be over and we’ll have been together almost a year and a half so I think it would be a good time to do it. We could live here or we could look for a place together but either way I think we’d be ready for that step.”

 

“That sounds like a great idea,” Ali replies, matching Ashlyn’s smile. “I kinda hate that place anyway.”

 

“I thought you loved it?”

 

“It’s too far away from you and I love being with you,” Ali cheeses, eliciting a laugh from Ashlyn.

 

“Guess we’ll have to solve that problem.”

 

“Guess so,” Ali agrees.

 

Ali has a rare day off of training that day so they spend the entire day cuddling and watching movies. It’s the exact type of day they need to reconnect and recommit themselves to one another after their little break and Ali wouldn’t trade it for anything. Especially now that she’s in season, days like these are hard to come by. They’ll have more time together in a few weeks when the European season ends and Ali looks forward to more days like this.

 

“Sorry we kind of wasted the day,” Ashlyn says as they get ready for bed that night.

 

Ali crosses the room to where Ashlyn is rummaging through her dresser for a different shirt to wear and pulls her into a hug from behind. “No time is wasted when it’s wasted with you,” she says, pressing a kiss to Ashlyn’s shoulder.

 

Ashlyn abandons her mission to find a different shirt to sleep in and spins in Ali’s arms, pulling her into a kiss. The kiss deepens quickly and soon all of their clothes are discarded on the floor and they stumble towards the bed. They waste a lot more time that night, not stopping until they’re finally satiated. When Ali’s alarm goes off in the morning, she’s still exhausted (and a little sore) but when she looks at Ashlyn with the bedsheet draped over her waist and a blissful look on her face as she sleeps, she knows it was all worth it.

 

* * *

 

**V. saved**

 

Once the European leagues end for the season, Ashlyn turns her attention to shooting for the Pride, attending all their home games and traveling to select away games.

 

With all the time they spend together and most of their major issues behind them, her relationship with Ali has never been better. After their short break, they communicate better than ever before and even when they’re apart, Ashlyn no longer feels the pull of vices she’s tried so hard to quit. She’ll have a drink here and there, sure, but hangovers are more of a rarity now where they used to be a given. Everything is better now that their lines of communication are fully open and even Ali admits that their break did them a world of good.

 

They make plans for Ali to move in when the NWSL season ends and start discussing trips they’ll take as soon as she’s settled into the house they’ll now share (not that much settling will be necessary as she’s essentially moved in already).

 

As much as Ashlyn was afraid of commitment before, she loves it now. She’s more confident and comfortable than ever before and she often wonders how she ever thought her old life was more fulfilling than this one. She now has someone who loves her unconditionally, who sticks with her despite her flaws and her ups and downs. She has someone she loves more than anything and who loves her back just as passionately. Once her college girlfriend left, she lost sight of her long held dreams to have a family one day. Now, with Ali by her side, she thinks about it almost daily.

 

For months, it seems like nothing will bring her down.

 

Things with Ali continue to get better. Even her relationship with Ali’s family has improved a great deal and she now feels welcomed as one of their own. She has good, supportive friends in her life who, like Ali, want what is best for her.

 

Nothing can bring Ashlyn down.

 

Nothing can bring Ashlyn down until something does.

 

She misses four calls from one of her London friends while she and Ali are at brunch one morning. She hasn’t spoken to these friends in months so one phone call would be worrisome enough, let alone four missed calls. She waits until they get home to return Darren’s call, knowing that whatever it is, she won’t want to be driving when she speaks to him.

 

The news is as bad as she expected.

 

One of their friends, Regina, overdosed the night before. They’d tried to save her at the hospital but it was too little too late and she passed away in the early hours of the morning. They don’t have funeral arrangements yet but he’ll let Ashlyn know as soon as they do, if she would like to attend.

 

Ashlyn is numb as she ends the call. She thanks Darren for telling her, for keeping her in the loop and sits in stunned silence as soon as she sets her phone down.

 

“Ash?” Ali says softly. She’d heard enough of the conversation to know what happened but it’s more than a little concerning that Ashlyn hasn’t expressed any sort of emotion. Ashlyn is a sensitive soul and Ali very rarely has to guess what she’s feeling, what she’s thinking. When a few minutes pass without any sort of reaction, Ali presses again. “Are you okay?”

 

“Of course I’m not okay,” Ashlyn snaps. “How could I be okay right now?” She finally breaks out of her trance and folds herself into Ali’s arms as the tears start flowing.

 

She cries because of her friend, who was far too young to die. She cries for Regina’s parents and four siblings, all of whom had tried and failed to get Regina the help she needed out of fear of something like this happening. She cries because she severed ties to those friends months ago and she wonders what might have happened if she’d been around.

 

Maybe she could have prevented it. Maybe she could have been the one to get through to Regina.

 

Maybe if Ali hadn’t come into her life when she did, it might have been her. If Ali didn’t push her to change her ways, she might have met the same fate.

 

She’s not sure how long she cries but she must fall asleep in Ali’s arms because she wakes a while later, still wrapped protectively in Ali’s arms.

 

“There she is,” Ali says gently as Ashlyn’s eyes flutter open. “I was beginning to think you’d sleep all night.”

 

Ashlyn hums and takes Ali’s hand in response.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ali asks. Ashlyn’s eyes are puffy from all the crying and when Ashlyn says she does want to talk about it, her voice is raspy. “Here, I’ll go get us some water while you collect your thoughts.” She kisses Ashlyn’s forehead before they untangle themselves. She takes a little longer than necessary in the kitchen, purposefully giving Ashlyn more time to think. She returns a few minutes later with two glasses of water and a bowl of grapes to snack on as they talk.

 

“I keep wondering if there’s something I could have done,” Ashlyn says quietly once Ali is settled back on the couch. “If I would’ve been there--”

 

“You can’t worry about that,” Ali says. “You can’t worry about the what ifs.”

 

“I know but I can’t help it.” She starts crying again as the news continues to sink in. “And I can’t help but think it could have been me. If I didn’t have you, it might have been me. If you weren’t there to push me, my problems might have gotten out of control.”

 

“Ash,” Ali breathes, not knowing what to say. Ashlyn was on a destructive path when they met. She wasn’t completely out of control, no, but it’s a slippery slope and Ali did often fear that if Ashlyn didn’t scale back, she would eventually hit a downward spiral.

 

They each process their own thoughts quietly for a few minutes before Ashlyn finally speaks again. “I think you saved my life, Al,” she admits quietly. “You pulled me back from the brink and gave my life new meaning and direction. You taught me what it means to love and to have someone who genuinely cares about my well being. Al, you’re everything to me. Let’s get married.” She meets Ali’s eyes and waits on bated breath for an answer.

 

“Whoa, hold on a sec,” Ali says, eyes wide in shock. “Ash, I love you but you’re not thinking straight right now.”

 

“I’m not exactly known for that,” Ashlyn jokes.

 

“Ashlyn, I’m serious,” Ali replies. “You’re sad and processing your friend’s death, you can’t just say we should get married.”

 

“Why not? We love each other and we’re headed that way anyway, right?”

 

“Yes, of course that’s where we’re headed but is this really the story we’d want to tell for the rest of our lives? That you asked me because you were upset?”

 

Ashlyn sighs, growing frustrated. “That’s not why I asked. I asked because I love you and, as we learned today, things can happen at any moment and I want to be married to you. But you obviously don’t want to so forget I said anything.” She scoots farther away from Ali on the couch and avoids eye contact as she takes a sip of her water.

 

“God, Ashlyn, can you please listen to what I’m saying?” Ali says. “Yes, I want to marry you. I’m not saying no but I am saying no for now. Ash, I love you and I look forward to marrying you but now is not the time to make that decision. I don’t want to look back on the day we got engaged and think about how you cried yourself to sleep on my lap just a few hours earlier. I want to look back on our engagement and think about how happy we were and how adorable you looked when you asked me and how your hands shook when you opened the ring box and how I couldn’t imagine ever being happier than in that moment. I want to look into your eyes and see happy tears when I say yes, not sad tears. I want all of that, Ash, so that when our kids ask us one day, I can tell them how cute and nervous you looked and how your dimple made me swoon and fall in love with you all over again.”

 

“That’s a pretty impressive proposal you’re expecting,” Ashlyn says. She moves closer to Ali once again, taking her hand.

 

“Don’t expect anything impressive, just something a little less spontaneous and shrouded in sadness. It wouldn’t hurt for you to be in a suit, though.”

 

“Noted,” Ashlyn chuckles. “And you’re right; you deserve all of that and then some.” She pulls Ali in for a lingering kiss, cradling the back of Ali’s head as she kisses her gently.

 

With Ashlyn’s moment of impulsiveness behind them, they really begin working through her feelings about the news. Given the circumstances and Regina’s age, it’s still difficult for Ashlyn to process but talking through it with Ali helps and Ashlyn begins to accept that there was nothing she could have done and that she did the right thing by separating herself from that crowd. It takes a lot of convincing on Ali’s part but Ashlyn didn’t abandon her friends, she removed herself from a toxic environment to better her own life.

 

Ashlyn may never be able to thank Ali enough for pushing her in the right direction. Ali pushed her to be better before they were together and she’s stuck with her even when times were hard. She knows none of it would have happened if she didn’t genuinely want to change her own ways but still, Ali was a key source of motivation for her to get her act together. She may never be able to thank Ali enough but she figures planning a dream proposal will be a pretty good start.

 

* * *

 

**VI. forever**

 

Once Ali officially moves in, it becomes clear that an engagement will soon follow. Their relationship has been amazing in recent months and everything feels right and good. They’ve talked about marriage more and more after Ashlyn’s spontaneous proposal (though they both agree it doesn’t count as an actual proposal because Ashlyn wasn’t in the right state of mind to really think it through) and they agree that they want it to happen sooner rather than later.

 

Of all the places they discuss going to during Ali’s time off, they ultimately decide on London in early December. Ashlyn hasn’t been able to stop thinking about going there with Ali and Ali doesn’t really care where they go as long as they’re together.

 

When they finally visit London together in early December, Ashlyn has a ring tucked into her carryon bag along with a flight confirmation for the two of them to end their trip in Frankfurt, which still holds a special place in Ali’s heart. She hasn’t yet told Ali about this plan, intent on surprising Ali their last day in London.

 

They do all the things Ashlyn dreamed of doing together all those months ago. They shop so much that they have to purchase an extra suitcase to share, they go to a Chelsea game, and they make love all over their spacious hotel suite.

 

It’s the perfect trip and Ashlyn can’t think of a better way to cap it off than with a trip to Frankfurt and asking Ali to marry her.

 

As expected, Ali is thrilled to learn that they’ll be going to Germany. Ashlyn is a little nervous when she gives Ali the plane tickets because Ali had just been talking about how excited she was to get home and sleep in their own bed but as soon as Ashlyn tells her about the three night pit-stop they’ll be making, all of Ali’s attention shifts to the things she’ll want to show Ashlyn in Frankfurt.

 

Ashlyn plans to propose their first evening in Frankfurt after a candlelit dinner she arranged at one of Ali’s favorite restaurants in the city. She’s wearing her maroon suit, which Ali always seems to love, and has the ring in her suit jacket pocket. After dinner (which was as delicious as Ali made it out to be), they walk to a park near Ali’s old apartment.

 

It’s a little chilly out (even for December) so there’s no one else around as they stroll hand in hand through the park. Christmas is in a few weeks so there are fairy lights strung in the small trees along the walking path and when Ashlyn decides that they’ve walked far enough, she tugs on Ali’s hand, stopping her forward momentum.

 

Ashlyn gets down on one knee and pulls out the ring. Even though she practiced what she wanted to say countless times, she still fumbles over her words now that she has to say them for real. She tries so hard to get her words right, to articulate just how much Ali means to her but the task is a monumental one. She apologies as she stutters and stumbles over her words, chuckling at herself as Ali looks down at her with an adoring expression.

 

Ali is _everything._

 

She’s her hope, her future, and the best person she’s ever known.

 

She’s the best part of her day, her life.

 

She tells Ali these things and asks for forever in the middle of a Frankfurt park.

 

Then, just under a year later, they promise forever in front of 47 of their closest friends and family in rural northern California.

 

A few years ago, forever wasn’t on Ashlyn’s radar. She thought she would continue the way she always had. She never thought she’d fall in love and she certainly didn’t think that anyone would fall in love with her, especially not with the way she kept women at an arm’s length.

 

There’s always been something different about Ali.

 

Ali saw through Ashlyn’s tough exterior, saw through the persona she’d created to protect her heart. Slowly, and with a lot of mistakes on both sides, Ali helped tear down Ashlyn’s walls. Aslyn has never been happier or more fulfilled and when they’re finally pronounced married, Ashlyn’s eyes well up with tears as she thinks about just how wonderful her life has become.

 

* * *

 

**VII. everything**

 

Ali retires from soccer a few years after they get married, having given everything she could give to the game. She loves the sport deeply and will stay involved as much as possible but now it’s time to shift her focus to her personal goals and fulfill other lifelong dreams.

 

Almost as soon as the whistle blows after her final match, she insists on starting their family. They do their research and go over their options but, ultimately, she’s always known the route she wants to take with Ashlyn.

 

She wants to carry Ashlyn’s baby.

 

Ever since she first imagined having a family with Ashlyn, that’s how she’s pictured it. There are cheaper options, sure, but she loves the idea of them having an equal role in not only raising their family but creating it as well.

 

Ashlyn’s not really concerned with how they go about starting their family, so when Ali shares that she’s always imagined doing reciprocal IVF, she is more than open to the idea.

 

“I know there are other ways we could do it but, I don’t know, I’ve always imagined carrying your baby,” Ali shares as they go over the leaflets on their options.

 

“If it’s important to you then it’s important to me,” Ashlyn replies. “Even though I’ll have to get used to you stabbing me in the ass with needles for the time being.”

 

“Yeah, and I’ll have to push a baby out of my vagina so I think you get the better end of the deal,” Ali counters, a teasing glint in her eyes.

 

“This is really how you want to do it?”

 

Ali nods. “It really, really is.”

 

“Then that’s what we’re going to do.”

 

The process isn’t easy (not that they thought it would be) and they take solace in talking to other couples going through the same thing. They have so much hope going into it but the first four rounds all fail and when it comes time to start another egg retrieval because they have no more frozen embryos left, Ashlyn begins to wonder if this is really the best course of action. The most important thing to her is that they have a baby together but it’s important to Ali and she’d never deny her wife the family she always imagined.

 

Ashlyn doesn’t realize just how important this decision has become to her until it works and they celebrate with the knowledge that they both played equally important roles in getting to this point.

 

It took so long to get pregnant that when they learn that both embryos took,  neither can quite believe it.

 

No matter how hard Ashlyn tries to wrap her head around the fact that they’ll have two babies, it doesn’t fully sink in until the babies arrive and she sits next to Ali in the hospital bed, their son in her arms and their daughter in Ali’s arms.

 

It’s been a long and emotional day so now that it’s quiet and just their family of four, she finally has time to process everything.

 

As they study their children’s faces and marvel over the fact that there are two of them, Ashlyn thinks back to her younger self and her dream to have a family one day. It was more than that, though, because it was important to her to have a healthy family. As much as she always wanted kids, she didn’t want to have them if she couldn’t give them a positive environment to grow up in. She lost sight of those desires for a long time, too afraid to give too much of herself and put her heart on the line. Ali reminded her of who she really is and what she really wants out of life.

 

This is what she wants.

 

Not the parties that last until dawn. Not the revolving door of women. Not the friends who encouraged her bad habits.

 

This is what she wants.

 

The gorgeous wife she’ll love until her last breath. The beautiful babies they created together. The home they share where they’ll teach their kids to walk and talk and where they’ll all play soccer together in the back yard. Where they will argue and make up more times than they’ll be able to count, all with the knowledge that they’ll always make it through.

 

“Hey, Al,” she says quietly looking away from the babies to meet her wife’s eyes.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Thank you for giving me everything I’ve ever wanted.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't initially plan on adding to this story but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are

**Author's Note:**

> So this is pretty different from what I usually do but I'm super proud of the way it turned out. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it
> 
> based on a poem of the same name by Sarah Kay


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